Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Still cracks me up
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
When I laugh on my period
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake