Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Mhm.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
A small tragedy.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!