Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.