Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

I try

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

paddle faster i hear baby shark

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol