was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.