Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
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“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Rooting for the overdog
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?