Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what