Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.