Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

This will never not be funny to me.

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.