Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING