Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
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Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.