Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.