was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
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serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
When you’ve simply given up.
