was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
You Might Also Like
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’m too immature for adultery.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
going to the ER y’all need anything
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client