was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
mechanics be like
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar