Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.