Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.