Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.