Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Make new friends? bro out of what?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up