Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.