Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
How software testing works
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
how much does a mortician urn in a year
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.