Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Said the murderer.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials