Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Britain be like
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Just this preview of the story is enough
based
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
☠️ ☠️
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine