Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”