Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.