Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
accurate
how much does a mortician urn in a year
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.