Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

It do be feeling this way.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION