Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits