@hogrider05

Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

@KyleMcDowell86

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

@Ygrene

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

@TheToddWilliams

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

@InternetHippo

putting “lying on resumes” under the skills section of my resume to see if anyone reads this shit

@linkindrinkin

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks