I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy
Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
HR: What are some of your strengths?
Me: Shifting the blame
HR: That’s a horrible reply
Me: No, your question was!
HR: Wow, you’re good!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]