Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth