@hogrider05

Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.

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@twylaredsun

I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.

@RidiculousSheri

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@trojansauce

[rap battle]

*drops the mic*

*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*

[20min earlier]

*other guy covering my mic in butter*

@dadnceli

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

@thatUPSdude

HR: What are some of your strengths?

Me: Shifting the blame

HR: That’s a horrible reply

Me: No, your question was!

HR: Wow, you’re good!

@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*