I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.
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[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
putting “lying on resumes” under the skills section of my resume to see if anyone reads this shit
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks