Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

ㅤ

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog