Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
He-man has a Masters degree
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt