Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.