Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
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Buying a well is money well spent.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell