Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
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Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”