Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way