Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.