Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Spotted in New Orleans.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.