was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
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5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.