Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What the hell happened in there??

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber