Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
You Might Also Like
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.