Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
#SCOTUS one-star review
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?