Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Squirrels before girls.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows