Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good