Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I hope they boil the right one.
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me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Ok who’s got my black socks?
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars