Was it something I said?
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY