Was it something I said?
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
😎 🍻
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”