Was it something I said?
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Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
