Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
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When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*