was Jim off killing horses or…
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.