was Jim off killing horses or…
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
kitchen magnet
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?