was Jim off killing horses or…
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables