Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
The collective noun for a group of gorillas should be a ‘kongregation’.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Canadian Geese are always forgetting they’re birds. have some grace…show some elegance…u could go to Puerto Rico but instead ur screaming outside the bank
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team