Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.