Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster