Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️