Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.