Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after