Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
😂😂
oh you like nyc? name every rat
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?