Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.