Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Practicing safe sax

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

With a text.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.