Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
birds and squirrels envy us
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad