Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I am never leaving this website
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences