Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Born to be mild.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless