was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
LMFAOOOO
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.