was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not