Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Her: My baby is 28 months old.

Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?

respect

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.