Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You Might Also Like
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Seas the day!!!!
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’