Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.