Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is