Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I ain’t wearing no wire
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]