Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Ken is short for chicken
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.