Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
The “baby” on the left….
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
How dramatic are you?
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
