Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!