Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

What the dentist sees

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table